How Things Should Be
by PiffPoffSplash
Summary: Nagi reflects on Schwarzsomewhat focusing on Sculdig,how they work together, their childhoods, why they act the way they do, ect. It is BradSchuldig and implies that Nagi has feeling for Schuldig.
1. Family

Authors Note: This is stream of Conscious. It is Nagi reflecting on his group and Brad and Schuldigs relationship in general. I am not sure how well it flows, it kind of goes there and back and there and back again and then somewhere else. But that is how thoughts work. So enjoy!

(Forgot to add). The guys, not mine!

I never thought of this as his group, it always seemed like their group. I think we all see it that way. There is just this unspoken agreement between us that Crawford will take the title and responsibility. Of course, Esset would never give Schuldig his own group, he is far too rebellious, to scattered, to untrusted, to lead. Even if we wanted he could never take official charge of the group.

But then, Schuldig has no will to lead. And why should he? He has all the power without the responsibility and stress that should accompany leading such a group. Though, truth be told, I don't think he could handle the responsibility if it were given to him.

He is too used to acting on impulse, which allows no time to snap orders at others. He also lacks the confidence Crawford has. I see the anger in his eyes when Crawford leaves for weeks on 'business.' It is not regular anger, it is one fueled by self doubt. I see the same anger when Farfarello and I look at him for an order or command if we are separated from Crawford on a mission. No one really states that all responsibly falls on Schuldig in Crawford's absence, it is just a known fact. A fact that brings much inner conflict to the German.

No, Schuldig is no leader. And he knows it. Though, I would not call him a follower either. He is not like Farfarello and me, he never really submits to Crawford. He simply goes along with this little game, which is what he makes this all seem like, nothing but a game; But it works out fine in the end. It still appears as though Crawford somehow gained control of the temperamental German when no one else could, and that makes people admire Crawford, that makes the Elders give him more trust then he originally should have. Maybe that is why Schuldig plays this game, knowing he somehow helps build Crawford's reputation and Crawford knows this. Schuldig allows Crawford to be Crawford.

In turn, Crawford allows Schuldig to be Schuldig. He is his own master in a world that should, in theory, make him a slave. I often find myself envious of him for that. He is probably the most free of us all, and that has everything to do with Crawford and what he allows, and Schuldig knows this.

That is what makes them work so well together. They both rely on the other for something and acknowledge the fact that they need one another. It helps build the balance that guides their relationship and our group. They each posses certain characteristics that the other lacks. Crawford is analytical, logical, and disciplined. He keeps us in control and the operation running. Schuldig, on the other hand, is carefree and emotional. He is the one that makes sure Crawford remembers we are humans and a team. I guess, in a way, Crawford is the 'father' of our family and Schuldig is the 'mother.' Crawford makes sure what needs to be done gets done and Schuldig nurtures. They each make up for the others weakness.

I first saw that when I was brought to the group. My memory of that time is somewhat sketchy but I remember the overbearing fear that took over me when Crawford took me in his arms for the first time. I should have been happy that I was finally being accepted by someone but he looked so cold I would have rather stayed on the streets, alone.

He told me my life was going to change and I need not fear a thing anymore. All I could think of was, how. How was this man going to take away my fears when he caused me so much fear in the first place.

It took meeting Schuldig to understand. Even then, before Schuldig had entered adulthood the two had their balance. That was the power of their bond. They just clicked, faults and all, they clicked.

Crawford opened the door to the hotel he and Schuldig were staying in and practically had to shove me inside. The first thing I saw was a teenage Schuldig sleeping on the bed, a rather large pillow covering his face. I guess our presence in the room him woke him since he moved a foot in what I took as a greeting.

"Take your medication?" Crawford asked, walking to the night stand to see if the cup he must have placed there was empty. He never trusted Schuldig when it came to the telepath's health, things have not changed much.

A grunt came from the pillow man which was supposed to suffice as an answer.

"It should start working soon, if not, we will up the amount. You lived too long without the proper protection from your gift to make treating you easy." His voice held no sympathy but seeing the look he gave his partner told me everything. I guess he forgot that I was in the room. I never caught that kind of slip from him ever again.

With a loud sigh Schuldig sat up eyes falling onto me immediately. He looked so much different then. He was still thin, I think he will always be thin, but he had not have the muscle definition that he does now. His hair was blonde and cut short, only showing the tiniest hint of him beginning to grow it out. The only thing resembling the Schuldig I know today, was the little smirk that fell on his face as he eyed me up and down. It was Schuldig's infamous grin, the one that both gives me comfort and annoys me at the same time.

"Bradly," he nearly purred. "I didn't know you were into that." He spoke in Japanese, but horribly. He had a strange accent that he had not learned to control at the time.

Bradly, that is what he called him, even then. Another sign of his standing in the group. If Farfarello or I even dared call Crawford by his first name we would come to regret it after we woke up. Schuldig, he just received a glare and a threatening warning. Nothing more. Crawford knew he could not really hurt the German, and if he tried, Schuldig would quickly defend himself.

Though, Crawford rarely ever hit Schuldig and when he did, it was nothing too serious. Crawford made sure to never truly hurt Schuldig, and I knew the reason for this even if he hid it as best as he could.

I also know the excuse he gives for it. Schuldig is powerful. He rarely uses the full extent of his powers to keep his sanity in check but when he unleashes his ability he is a force to be reckoned with.

As I grew older, and more curious about the secretive men I had been living with, I took a bold step in hacking into both of their files. It appeared Crawford pushed a young and inexperienced Schuldig too far one day and felt full on what Schuldig was capable of. It sent him to the hospital for three days. This gave Esset the go ahead to take custody of the German and place him in the laboratory. They would never kill him, he was far too powerful to kill, but they could run tests on him to see what made him so powerful. It would play an important key in the altering of their new telepaths. While I never attended RoskenKreuz, I knew such a fate would be horrendous. It is a life full of pain and dehumanization. Crawford came to and refused to have Schuldig taken away from him. He made it clear that he was in charge of the redhead and he would find the proper punishment. It did not state what the punishment was, or even if there was one, but the fact was now there that Crawford had saved Schuldig's life and that gave him power over the defiant German.

I guess that is why Schuldig listens when Crawford tells him not to go out or wash Farfarello. It is the reason Schuldig allows Crawford some control. But he still allows it. He allows Crawford to take control of his life. He could just as easily take it back but that would disrupt our family and he would never do that. Schuldig needs the stability Schwarz creates just as much as we all do. If he were ever to break the balance the group would be lost.

I guess their balance is just as much a curse as it is a gift. So much depends on it and it often causes the two to cross one another. When you have such different personalities living in small quarters fights are bound to happen, and they do. Usually, they occur when Schuldig is in the mood to be annoying and Crawford is in no mood to put up with him. They rarely get out of hand but when they do it is usually Schuldig who pays. Crawford rarely physically hurts Schuldig, but emotionally it is another story.

When the German persists a bit too hard Crawford will shut him up with an insult that is brought up from the past that I can never fully understand. This shuts him up right away. Normally, Schuldig would scream a big "Fuck you" and stalk up to his room or the Tv room. When he falls quiet it only means Crawford hit hard.

Eventually, the two would make up, another thing I have yet to witness. Crawford will speak to Schuldig in private and it would be ok; Between the two of them that is. I don't know when it started, but somewhere along the line tension between Crawford and myself began to grow. It steamed, of course, from Schuldig.

There was a time period when the two fought constantly. At first it frightened me, I thought our group would shatter for sure. But when the realization hit that nothing would tear us apart hit, I found myself getting angry. I will admit any day that my allegiance falls more with Schuldig than it does Crawford. Schuldig had more contact with me when I was a child. He was the one who bathed me, fed me, put me to bed, raised me. Of course, I would grow closer to him than Crawford. But, for some reason or another, my bond with Schuldig changed. My feelings for him changed.

I never have pushed or even believe anything will happen. It is no secret that Schuldig wants Crawford, and well, I am certain Crawford needs Schuldig, too. I know I stand no chance and that makes me jealous. I know I will just be 'the kid' to Schuldig. Still, I want to protect him from pain. To see someone you want needing someone else hurts, seeing that someone you want get hurt, hurts even more.

I never let it affect our team. That would be foolhardy of me. I push my feelings away as best as I can to keep everything running smooth. We are a unit and that does not allow for personal feelings to jeopardize everything. I guess I am willing handing over Schuldig to the man I know he belongs with, and that is not me.

But that is okay. I am lucky to just have him in my life, to have them all in my life. We are a lucky group, there is no other like us out there. We are more than just a team, we are a family. When I was young I never thought I would be part of a family. I am happy I was wrong. I have my place, I know my rules, I have somewhere to go in life. I may hate what I do and hate the people I work for but it is the reason I have Schwarz in my life.

It kind of gave me an idea for a new fic(a multi part one which I have yet to do). I just need to figure out how I want it written. In Third person, in Nagi's pov, or in changing povs. --


	2. Childhood

Authors Note: I was going to leave this fic alone and start a whole new one but decided to just keep adding to this one. Nagi's musings are interesting.

* * *

There was just something about Schuldig that begged to be noticed. He would do everything in his power to gain the attention he so desperately craved. It could be seen in the way he dressed-the horrid bright contrasts of his hair and clothes, the way he spoke-the crude comments he made simply begged for some kind of reaction, and his movement in general- the way he taunted and seduced everyone did not allow them to look away.

For the longest time I thought it had something to do with some childhood experience, something before RosenKreuz. Schulding, unlike most people, was not brought to RosenKreuz as an infant. He spent many years with his family, more than he should have. It was not until he was eight years old that he entered the school, usually, by that age the talents are forgotten. The children are allowed to stay with their family since their power needs to be nurtured from an early age in order for the talent to be able to use their gift to the best of their ability. By the time a talent turns eight or nine, it is too late. There are exceptions, Schuldig being one, and I being another.

Exactly how he escaped the agents for so long, I cannot say for sure. Unlike me, who was forgotten and unnoticed, he should have been a prime suspect at an early age. He had a family, walked about openly in public, and lived in the same country as the school. I suspect that maybe his talent lay dormant but growing in strength as he grew. I can think of no other possibility for their procrastination. Those, are only my speculations and probably wrong. I'll never be certain of why it took RosenKreuz to track him down.

The fact still remained that he had a childhood, even if it was not a good one. I thought, maybe, he was neglected and ignored. It would certainly explain his constant need for attention. He wanted what he never had, he wanted the reassurance that people were aware that he was there. It was his annoying way to reassure himself that he had a place in the world. It made sense to me.

One conversation with Crawford proved my theory wrong.

Out of all of us, Schuldig had the most stable childhood. It is a hard thing for me to fathom, but Schuldig came from a functional home. His father worked as a carpenter in Berlin and his mother was a housewife, taking care of the house and children, of which there were three; Schuldig being the youngest. As the youngest he received all the attention he desired and he sure desired a lot.

There was no yelling or screaming in his home and no abuse. His father was a jolly man, constantly wearing a smile and ready to let out a loud laugh whenever the opportunity presented itself. His mother was a quiet, gentle woman. She hardly spoke but used body language to show her contentment; She was a physical woman, allowing her actions to speak for her.

Yes, life was good for Schuldig when he was a child.

It is hard to imagine a light hearted child as I looked upon him now. When RoskenKreuz finally admitted Schuldig into their school, that child began to die and the man known as Schuldig began to form. He was just another casualty lost to RosenKreuz.

Though there appears to be no trace of that boy in the Schuldig now, I know he has left a mark on his heart. I know he does his best to forget his past, I see the silent struggle in his eyes when his mind slips and images of his past come flashing in his mind, but it refuses to be forgotten. He wants to forget but there are just some memories that refuse to be dispelled from his mind.

There are times when he allows his memories and struggles to slip into the open. Maybe, he does not allow it, he simple cannot contain it, but I choose to read the actions as him trusting me enough to show his weakness.

I remember once when Crawford was out of town, which meant Schuldig was in charge, which meant the two of us went out and did our best to socialize and act like normal human beings, which Schuldig found to be a blast, he allowed his first memory to slip. We were walking down a main street, to a music store, when we crossed a man walking a German Shepherd. Schuldig paused and watched the dog and continued to stare in the direction long after the dog was out of sight. I called his name many times but it was quite obvious he did not hear me.

"I wonder what he looks like now." I heard him whisper. I'm not sure if he meant to say it aloud or if it was meant to be a thought.

"Who?" I questioned, replying even though I was uncertain.

He looked at me with confusion before he shook his head as if to clear his head, then smiled. "No one," he murmured, "forget it."

I felt my mouth form into a frown. It hurt knowing he did not wish to share his thoughts with me, especially ones that had such an affect on him. I could not help but think if I were Crawford, he would be pouring all his emotions on me without a second thought. Why didn't I have that trust?

"Who were you talking about, Schuldig?" I asked again gently, silently urging him to tell me.

He sighed and placed a hand over my shoulder, with a slight nudge from him we continued our walk.

"My dog," he stated sheepishly. "He was a puppy when I ran away. I wonder what he looks like now."

I pressed closer to him for comfort but didn't say a word. There was nothing I could say. My heart ached at his pain. I could not fathom how hard it must be on him to remember a time when he was actually normal, to know that he once lived a life without all the hardships he had now, to know he had a family, a dog, but could never return to live with them again. I pressed closer to him and he pulled his arm more fully around me.

I could hardly remember my childhood. All that is left from those days is a strong hatred I feel for all human beings. I knew they outcast me and some even went as far as beating me when I stole food to stay alive, but I did not remember it. That is the beauty of being a child, one forgets all the hardships they went through as a child. Nothing is left but maybe a faded memory.

My negative memories were turned into positive ones when I was taken in by Crawford. I might not like what I do or the people I work for, but I have a family now. I have a support group. I no longer live on the streets and beg for food. I have a home, my food is provided for me, and I have two men looking out for my best interest. In a world that should be filled with confusion and chaos I have something stable.

I use to suffer from horrible nightmares that kept me awake for hours during the night. On the odd chance I did fall asleep I would wake up screaming and crying and I pulled the blankets tighter around me for comfort. I never remembered what they were about but they kept my heart pounding for what seemed like hours after I woke up. The only way I could fall back asleep was with the presence of either Crawford or Schuldig near me.

Of course, it was usually Schuldig who came to comfort me. Crawford always had something to do or somewhere to be, he could rarely be bothered. Schuldig was the one who put me in bed and stayed with me until I fell asleep. Crawford was the one who came to me when I awoke at night, allowing Schuldig to rest on most nights.

On nights when things got really bad, Crawford ordered me to sleep in Schuldig's bed. I would nestle into his side as he would gently sing me a song that his mom used to sing for him, something about a crocodile. At times, he would even play with my hair in the same way she played with his. It made me feel so at home, so safe.

It was a perfect structure. I gained the trust I needed in the two through Sculdig's caring nature and Crawford's protection, Schuldig began to learn what responsibility was, and Crawford oversaw the two of us and knew we were learning our places. Crawford's intentions were never to form our group into a family structure, he simply found it a way to provide everyone with what they needed, I don't think he foresaw the tight bond that would be created between us all.

They were my saviors, intentional or not. They were the two who took pity on me and rescued me from a life that was leading to a quick death. I now understand that it was for my power, but at the time I only saw them as the two people who gave me a chance when no one else would. That is all I recall from my childhood.

Crawford was trained for his position since he could remember. Though, he too was a special chase. He did not live in RosenKreuz but with his family. His father was a teacher at the school and his mother was a healer. As such, he was able to be trained at home until he was of age to be an upper class man, which meant he was able to avoid all the harsh punishments and possibly a death that might have claimed him.

They no longer work at the school. What happened to them, I don't know, I doubt anyone knows, Schuldig possibly being the only exception.

Even though Crawford had a childhood outside the school, he didn't have a childhood. His life, like the others, was tied to his talent. He simply skipped out on the torture that should have broken him as a child.

Farfarello's childhood is marred in bloodshed. He was a happy child that morphed into the man we see today. His childhood is the only one that can be compared to Schuldig's. He too was once happy. He too once had a family and fond memories. But, unlike Schuldig, he did not recall those days. He did not remember when he was Jei and that was for the best. All he can remember is blood and pain. That is his only reality.

In that sense, Farfarello is lucky. His memories are locked up in the back of his mind. They do not make him a slave to his memories. What will happen when he starts to remember, I don't know, I don't want to think of it.

Only Schuldig is plagued by a life he no longer lives. I guess it's not so hard seeing why Schuldig is the way he is. It has to be difficult knowing you were once living the life of a normal human being, then waking up each morning remembering the life which was so good to you was now out of your grasp. It has to be even more difficult to have had all the attention and love of your parents then being snatched away and placed in a facility such as RosenKreuz where you have to fight to stay alive.

Schuldig begs for attention because he always received it. He is searching for the comfort he had when he was a child living at home with his parents. He wants to feel safe and loved like he used to. When we focus our attention on him he feels the stability he did when he was a child. He, like everyone else in the words, just does what he needs to, to stay alive and well.

* * *

My take on their childhoods. I think the idea of Schuldig living on the streets, being a whore, and druggie is done to death(though, I do like the idea). When I sat down and thought about what he went through as a child, an odd image popped into my head- a happy home. I went with that. It seemed...somehow...proper.

Crawford, well, I think the fact that he grew up connected to RosenKreuz might have shoved him in the direction to betray them. He was somewhat "in" with the operation so that gave him the confidence to betray them.

I'm not quite sure about Farf. I recall there being an episode about his childhood(or an ep that simple touched upon his subject), my dvds are packed up, ready to be shipped to my college, so I cannot watch them and I couldn't find anything on the net. I'm not sure if he remembers what occurred(him killing his family), so in my story he does not.

And if anyone is interested in the song Schuldig sung Nagi(my friends were) it's:

Ich bin Snappi

Der kleines Krokodil

Snih snah snappi

Snappi snappi Snappi

Snih snah snappi

Snappi snappi Snappi

It is not really a bed time song but my nephew always made me sing it to him when he was falling alseep.

Next chapter will come much more quickly since I know now this is a multi part fic


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